I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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