Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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