they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
