shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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