He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He called his prostate his "boner button".
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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