Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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