Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
