I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
