It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
