im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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