Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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