Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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