glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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