I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
