I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
