Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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