I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
