Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
