I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
wow bdsm is so cute
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
why is half of my head shaved?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
