I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
