you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
