I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
