I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
