My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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