trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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