Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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