guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
