Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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