I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
