whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
