Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
