he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize