when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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