my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize