i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
