Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
