She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
