It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
