I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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