Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
