if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
