I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize