her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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