Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
