He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize