She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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