I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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