drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
