im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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