I could make wine with my vomit
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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