You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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