i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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