Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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