He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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