The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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