Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
