some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
