apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
