i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
