mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
