apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
