apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
